Well, again it was a long time that I did not write here. And I am not going to promise to become better, it definitely did not work out last time. Still, I hold on to my objectives…Thanks Peter Cunningham to reminding me ;-).

Our Toddler is now 8 months old and since we moved to the UK in August 2019, I am the one in charge during the weekdays. My wife and I – she is a military like me and currently at the UK defence academy – found a very good rhythm in order to find a proper balance between family life, family duties and our profession. The fact that we are building a house in the same time makes it even more complicated, but somehow more exciting as well.

During my long walks with our baby (mostly on my back) I have a lot of time to reflect on all the gender related issues I am facing. One question that came to my mind recently is the topic I would like to speak about: what is the added value of my parental leave for the Army and I will come up with some proposals in the following posts. Today is about agility, or better business agility!

“Business agility refers to distinct qualities that allow organisations to respond rapidly to changes in the internal and external environment without losing momentum or vision. Adaptability, flexibility and balance are three qualities essential to long-term business agility.”

When I took parental leave in 2019, I had 30 years of successful military service behind me. I knew exactly what to do and how to do it. Thanks to 8 months at the Geneva Center for Security Policy I even considered myself as relatively agile. I introduced new leadership technics in my team, applied state of the art brainstorm technics and was considered as relatively forward thinking. I had a plan, and I normally pursued it, reaching most of my professional objectives.

Any added value to that by taking parental leave? Yes, because parental leave is a constant simulation of a crisis situation which challenges you in a wide range of different fields. When you are settled in your job, daily duties as well as minor crisis can be dealt with through experience, reasonable discussion, consent and knowledge management. Rarely, real crisis occurs.

A baby that you have to take care of never follows your plan. Weather – especially in the UK – never fits to your plans. Flou – or any other germs you can get in soft playgrounds – does not respect your plans. All of these are changes in the internal and external environment that require a rapid response. Adaptability, flexibility and balance are constantly required in order to go on – on all levels of your life and at any moment, also involving your partner, family, superiors or team mates, only to name a few, including your own ambition (that is hard one). I truly believe that parents – no matter if female or male – who take care of their baby on a daily basis, but particular during parental leave, are better prepared to face crisis situations than any other. They are used to the type of agility required to keep your business running. They will have alternative courses of action, because that is what they constantly do. And parents know: after the crisis is before the crisis! For me a good reason to particularly looking for people who have chosen to stay at home during a significant period of time in order to do “family crisis management”.

I love the UK really! In particular for their gender neutral parking lots.

I am sure in Germany there would be a huge discussion if all the possible sexes are properly represented by that sign. Who cares, what counts is that I get a parking space close to the stores main entrance because I know that my baby will be hungry once I am at the check-out…

Hi again…if there is anybody left to read my blog. First lesson learned: being a father is time consuming and writing a blog needs much more commitment than I thought. As a consequence, the last article dates from JULY!!!!

On the other hand, the last three months were so full of gender related experiences that I have a lot to share – if you are still interested.

So, let’s talk about it. Just to set the scene and to inform new readers about the general situation – here are some basic facts to keep in mind. I am the father of a 4 months old son. I took one year of parental leave in order to spend one year in the UK where my wife (a military like me) pursues her advanced postgraduate studies.

In the military, housekeeping husbands are rare. But due to the special requirements in our jobs (long missions, operations, stays abroad) the support for families is strong and networks in order to support those at home have been established. In our case, families and partners of officers from various countries receive support from an organization run by spouses married to UK military officers (active or retired). Once you register for their network (I thought a good idea), you will get newsletters and information bulletins starting with “Dear Ladies…”. And during a presentation of their activities an older Lady commented my questions on their activities saying that “husbands would not show up regularly anyway”. Not very motivating!

I will not be to strict or judge anyone. This little example just shows how far we are from gender equality or how difficult it is to break up traditional behavior. In plus, the international community where we live in also consists of officers from traditional Arab countries. Their women could probably not participate in any activities if male non-family members would be present. In that case, gender equality could even be contra-productive with regard to the integration of these women. And they probably need it more than I do.

What could I do? I joined the Rugby Team (my secret plan from the beginning anyway), a purely male activity which helps me to maintain my professional military fitness. I have the strong feeling that my wife prefers me getting my body beaten up during some rugby matches (especially when it is raining in autumn) than seeing me having a Gin tasting event with 30 women. Funny, isn’t it?

VUCA stands for Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity and Ambiguity and is meant to describe how the world is evolving – unpredictable. During my studies at the Geneva Center for Security Studies our teachers very often used this term in order to tackle modern trends in international security. Any link to parental leave? Well, after five weeks of 24/7 intense adventures with our boy, VUCA is a good description of our evolving relationship with him. Volatility means that he can change his mood anytime with no reason, being always uncertain what he actually wants or suffers from. Complexity describes the different types of actions one takes during the day in order to insure his well being, but also his evolving complexity as human being. Ambiguity refers to the uncontrolled moves or faces he makes, either in purpose or just by accident and you never can be sure what he actually wants to communicate. In order to deal with such Baby-VUCA, you will have to leave your comfort zone. We read to better understand, we try new things, mix our parents experiences with newest scientific reports and best practices of friends and neighbors. We make plans, that can be run over any time either because of the complexity of our life or his immediate demand for food – most of the time earlier than expected. And we are making “mistakes”. Or, as it would have been expressed in Geneva, we have “learning opportunities”. The big difference: in a Baby-VUCA world the consequences are real and immediate, while in a leadership course effects very often are simulated. And even as a military team leader, the consequences of your misbehavior or lack of leadership in peacetime often remain hidden because your teammates would not share their observations with you. A baby never does that and that makes you adapt your behavior. It is more similar to a combat situation than any simulation could ever be. As a consequence, I now better understand the value of direct and unfiltered feedback concerning your leadership qualities. And there is no choice but to take it with courage and pride and to continue to improve. And another VUCA might help you to do better – as a parent and in your job. VUCA as Vision, Understanding, Clarity and Agility. A vision (not a path towards) for your baby, try and retry to understand it, be clear about your intentions, gestures and opinions and remain agile, when the situation requires it. I believe, that somebody who managed to tackle a baby-VUCA will definitely perform better in the VUCA as it stands and our professional world.

I just succeeded to make our boy falling asleep. It is midnight, the heat wave in Europe makes everybody feel uncomfortable and we just crossed the Atlantic by plane. A hard day for all of us. My wife is sleeping next to me, I told her to do so, because I will need her to be up to the ask at 3 or 4 in the morning. This is the framework when I read an article about gender equality (https://qz.com/1635826/what-men-need-to-give-to-make-gender-equality-a-reality-50-minutes-a-day/) Amongst others, the report says that “We are after full equality, full stop. We must also change the world around individuals to believe that care matters, that it must be equal, and that it is as important as anything else we do.”. So how can a more military and task oriented approach help to achieve such goals? Well, currently, I am not acting as a father who is looking for gender equality, but I am acting as a military leader who is taking over a task. I fix clear responsibilities, I know my limits and I motivate others to follow my example. As a result, despite a difficult situation under extraordinary circumstances ( we are in my parents-in-law flat ;-)), our boy is sleeping, my wife gets rest and I know that I can rely on her to handover the task somewhere in the night in order to get some sleep myself. Is that gender equality? Maybe, I just call it “Get the job done professionally – and with love!” I always loved my job AND to having a family! Two sides of the same medal and not concurring tasks. If you do not manage to get one side done properly, you will fail on the other side as well. And sometimes, you might not even recognize your failure immediately. Think about it…

Here is another read you might find interesting: https://www.evoke.org/articles/june-2019/Data-Driven/Deep_Dives/to-achieve-gender-equality-support-men-as-caregivers?linkId=69711006

Yesterday, I had a very harsh and unfriendly discussion on LinkedIn. The guy, a former air force pilot who wanted me to actively go against my minister of defence (mutiny, I suppose) said, I would not have the courage to be a soldier and I should go back hiding behind my parental leave. And this man holds a leadership position in his private company! This episode showed how others very often view leaders taking a parental leave. They believe that we turn away from our professional responsibility in order to do….nothing! Well, how much wronger can they be? I believe that men or women who quit their job in order to take care of their children are courageous people who contribute as much to society than anybody else. And sometimes, it is even the harder part they take over, as I can say with an 18 days old boy who is an angel during daytime, but a a little demon in the night. It requires a good physical condition, discipline, organization, planning capabilities and mental strength to prevail in such a situation. Most of these capabilities are required in my military job as well and a I am well prepared. But even more important, I believe I will further refine my skills and will learn to be more agile and face new, unknown challenges. I will create a new network of people outside the army, will learn more about my neighbors or the public health system (totally unknown to me since I am in the privileged army health system). In a nutshell: my existing qualities will be sharpened and I will have made new experiences to make me a more resilient soldier and leader when I will rejoin my former position next year. I wonder if my superiors share my view….

Recently I walked through Austin Texas together with my wife and our son, almost two weeks old now! I used our newly purchased Tactical Baby Carrier – a must have item for a military and father. We remarked people smiling at us or turning their heads to see if there really was a baby inside. I felt it extremely satisfying to produce a smile every 10 meters!

My main lesson learned: even when taking a parental leave, stay a soldier and show it! It is not because I take a leave, I change my personality or the way I tackle problems! Carrying a kid of course needs a special gear!!

When I got my first son 15 years ago, parental leave was not an option for me. Maybe I have thought about it despite the fact that it was a new concept. But to be honest, I probably would not have done it! With 34, I was in the middle of my general staff officers course and I had plans for my future – professional plans. And in France, where I lived at that time, the child care system was much more advanced than in Germany and so I believed that I could afford not be home every day. As a consequence, both me and my first wife continued our career, including me working everywhere, but not in France. During the week I worked on high level posts in NATO or in the ministry of defence, while my wife did her job in a local police department and had two kids (she already had one kid) to take care of. I felt bad about it and tried to compensate. I worked long on the evening in the week, because I wanted extra days off for my family. My superiors recognized fast that I was available on the night and charged me with extra work. For this availability I regularly earned positive feedbacks from my chain of command. Friday’s I had to run to get the plane in order to be home on Friday evening and then fully concentrated on the kids, because my wife had to rest from a more than challenging week. In plus, she faced professional harassment and her superiors tried to kick her out of her job due to the fact that she was not available for police raids early in the morning. Well, we survived that rhythm for six years and our kids grew up properly. But our couple and even our health took some severe damage. At that point, I was not selected to become battalion commander, despite all my professional efforts! It was a major disappointment for me and pushed me – for the first time – to take action for my family. As a consequence, I asked to be posted in France to be with my family. Two years later me and my wife split….

Main takeaways

In my generation, gender parity was not part of education. But one can learn it’s importance through own experience.

Making your job the most important thing in your life might bring you a short term satisfaction. But it might not pay of in the end.Most superiors in the Army still like hard working men despite some new European regulations on working hours. But they will not feel responsible for the consequences in your family life.

Even when being separated during the week for professional reasons, both partners will have to take care for themselves as well. And both parts will need recognition for what they are doing!

First of all: I am not a professional blogger. Therefore, this blog might be less interesting or less performant than others. But I would be grateful for any advice more experienced people wish to give me.

It is human to adapt in order to survive. Sometimes in history that worked out just fine, sometimes individuals or the entire humanity failed and had to pay a price. In order to avoid that, it might be helpful to know in advance when change is required. But the current discussion on climate change shows how difficult change can be….but no worries, I will not talk about changing humanity.

My objective is to talk about my personal quest in order to achieve more gender parity in my family. Not because I believe it is politically correct, although gender parity should also be a political issue. I believe, gender parity helps to become more resillient as a couple, as a family and finally as a society. In this respect, I would like to contribute during the upcoming months.

As a military with almost 30 years of service I am surely not the best advoacate for gender questions. But maybe in the military the most important change can be achieved in order to make the army a better and a more effective place to serve our countries.

Serving my country was my objective when I joined the  Geneva Center for Security Policy  in 2017. I wanted to improve my existing skills and learn new tools in order to enhance my army’s capabilities to face modern threats in a more and more turbulent and insecure world. Our resilience as a society had suffered since 1989. I had just returned from a tour of duty in the Sahel Zone, where I had witnessed the beginning of one of the most complex secutity challenges the world, but in particular the Europeans currently face. Without going to much into details: I believe, we will fail again, which will make life more insecure for our families in the future.

In Geneva, I did not only meet wonderful participants at the “Leaders in International Security Course (LISC)”. I also met Fleur Heyworth, who is an excellent expert in gender questions and she regularely challenged us with new and exciting views on how important gender parity already is and how much more important it will become in the future. I understood that the resillience of our societies might be linked with gender parity. As a result, I promised Fleur to write a blog when I had something to say. Well, here we are!